Family Tool Box

Tool number 6 is a Band-Aid. A Band-Aid is used to cover wounds to keep them from getting infected with germs. The Love Bond in our relationship sometimes gets wounded—when it is stressed with disagreements or crisis points—and needs to be protected from “relational germs.” Tom and Annie’s real life examples will help us address at least the top four relational germs. The Band-Aid they used was their decision not to succumb to the relational germs and to follow a predetermined plan to prevent infection. The first germ is withdrawal. This may include walking away during a disagreement or crisis, closing a person out after an argument, not working on a solution, or denying that a problem exists. There was a time when one of Tom and Annie’s children hit teenage turmoil. This was a pivotal and difficult time for them. It would have been so much easier to just ignore it and withdraw from the crisis or just let her go through her own stuff. Or close their daughter out. They made a decision not to withdraw from each other or their daughter and talked together about what they would do. As they discussed the situation they first had to accept that, “My kid’s behavior is not acceptable.” Then they chose to stay in the discussion to get it resolved. As a result they all worked through it together with the support of their pastor, teachers and counselors. Today they maintain a very loving relationship with that daughter, as well as their other children.  The second germ is escalating. This may include using volume, harsh tone or words or getting physical to deal with a disagreement or crisis. There was a time early in their relationship, before they were married, when Annie and Tom decided to break off their relationship. When couples begin to question their relationship things can get ugly. Often when there is a breakup, volume goes up, tone gets cynical, words get derogatory and sometimes people get physical. Tom and Annie did not allow the escalating relational germ to manifest. Instead, they stayed friendly toward each other and joint acquaintances. They did not embarrass themselves nor intentionally make enemies of each other or each other’s friends. As a result is was easy to get back together within a year when the time was right because they did not have to heal wounds infected with escalating germs created during the breakup.  The third germ is belittling.  This behavior often tries to solicit the support of others, and is very childish and immature. In our world today we often compare roles in a relationship. We may think our role is more difficult, more valuable or more worthy. Or we may want it to be.  In that case we can be tempted to belittle someone else’s efforts and use intimidation to exert dominance in the relationship. Tom is a pilot of a corporate plane and Annie is a flight attendant. Tom caught himself at times underestimating the fatigue factor in Annie’s job as if there was no comparison to the stress factor of being a pilot. Even though he did not escalate or withdraw he know his thoughts were not fair. So he was quick to say he was sorry because he wanted to be a man of character and did not want to let the germ of belittling affect his love bond with Annie.  The fourth germ is exaggerated false beliefs. This germ is typically driven by some kind of fear or insecurity. This may include judging motives, being accusatory, thinking the worst of the other person or the worst-case scenario. One of the biggest false beliefs that affects relationships today is, “This person is going to leave me.” Tom and Annie remember a person that called one evening. Tom answered the phone and one of Annie’s friends asked, “Where is Annie?” Tom said she just went out and she’d be back in a little bit. The friend asked, “Where is she?” Tom said, “She did not say, but she’ll be back in a little bit.” The friend called back almost every half hour. “Is Annie back yet?” The friend was shocked that Tom would not know where Annie was. Tom could have become suspicious about Annie’s whereabouts, thinking she was maybe leaving him, but he chose not to. His faith in her strengthened their love bond. He knew that suspicions and exaggerated false beliefs would make his wife feel strangled and smothered and that any partner would want to get away from that kind of environment. Annie was back in a little while.  Protecting against these relational germs is a choice, just as is choosing to love. Tom & Annie chose to love each other and also chose to use the Band-Aid on relational wounds to protect against relational germs. As a result they’ve been married 22 years and have two children and one grandchild.  The next tool is a tape measure.

Families need love to hold them together. Families start with Moms and Dads. A useful tool for couples is the tape measure, used to measure the love skills that matter. What makes us think we love someone or that we are loved? How do we measure our love for each other? So often when trying to deepen the love bond, we measure things that really don’t matter. Do we measure our love by comparing it to laughing families on television? Do we measure it primarily by the things we buy for each other?

I would suggest that honoring each other is the first love skill to measure because it matters most. Happiness comes out of having a lot of it. Honoring each other builds mutual value, love, respect and esteem; it helps each partner recognize the other person’s value and protect their reputation. Couples who honor each other say every day, “I’m looking out for your best interests.”

In a recent interview with my friends John and Sharon, they explained how early in their relationship they recognized what each other’s weaknesses were and where they were vulnerable. If they hadn’t honored each other, they could have used this knowledge to wound each other, physically or emotionally. Instead, they used this knowledge to give each other extra support.

A relationship without honor usually can’t make it. Honoring each other brought them through the difficulties of changing workloads and child rearing. When Sharon chose to honor herself by going back to college, John didn’t feel diminished by taking on more of the home chores, such as laundry and bill-paying. Bill-paying was an easy switch since they had one bank account and no secrecy. Honor needs no secrets.

Communication is the second most important love skill to measure. Communication stimulates understanding, sharing, unity, cooperation and vision; it teaches the next generation. John and Sharon make a concerted effort to talk to each other. Sometime they would go to a coffee shop or continue a conversation parked in front of their house, where they were alone and without distractions. Before they retired, they typically called each other during the day, as work allowed, just to communicate. The interests they didn’t have in common they pursued separately but always related their experiences. Communication is a love skill that creates a healthy flow.

Time spent together is the third most important love skill to measure. I have made countless hospital visits and officiated many funerals and never had anyone say they spent too much time with the ones they love. The opposite is too often true. Time spent together develops connectedness, value, security and memories. John and Sharon, along with their children, measured countless hours volunteering in the community: radio talking book, block club, neighborhood council and other political initiatives. John’s time spent as civil rights commissioner eliminated prejudice from their family values. They ate their meals together as much as possible to keep the connectedness. Memories were built through yearly small trips to the North Shore.

Meeting each other’s needs is the fourth most important love skill to measure. Everyone has a basic need for  honesty, trustworthiness, commitment to each other, value of opinions/thoughts/beliefs, shared decision-making, verbal and physical tenderness, honor, communication and time. John and Sharon were willing to make the necessary sacrifices. They faced adversity almost immediately after they were married. Many would have thrown away the tape measure. However this was their opportunity to strengthen their love bond. They were faced with decisions to measure each other’s needs and try to meet them the best they could. They met each other’s needs through at least 20 different hospitalizations and surgeries, which included open heart surgeries, surgery for scar tissue, back surgery, cancer and life threatening allergic reactions. Each helped meet each other’s emotional needs through the loss of a close personal friend to suicide. When an alcoholic parent needed a place to stay temporarily the need was measured and lovingly met. Every need met is another foundational brick in a house of love.

John and Sharon will celebrate their 42^nd year of marriage this year. You too, can build a strong loving family. Don’t give up, don’t let up! Take the tape measure out of the family tool box and measure into your family the love skills that strengthen the love bond: honor, communication, time spent together and meeting each other’s needs.

The next tool is the Blue Print. 

“You bought what?” “I get embarrassed when I am late!” “I am not comfortable with that!” When Jacki and Jerrell don’t consider each other’s feelings, their relationship becomes unbalanced, uneven, not level. We will see how Jerrell and Jacki learned to level things  to make their relationship more special. When things were unbalanced they were being selfish and  unfair.  That led them to be unhappy at times when deep down they were really in love. So they decided they needed to use one of the tools in their toolbox, the level.

Punctuality is important to Jacki. Arriving late to events was very embarrassing. She felt that she always needed to give a reason for being late. This was stealing happiness from her relationship with Jerrell because, to her, there really was not a good reason. Jerrell was not as stressed about arriving late and actually thought that Jacki was too anxious.. After discussion they agreed the easiest way to level  this area was for both of them to move closer to the center. Jerrell did so by never allowing himself to be late to any of Jacki’s functions that were on her calendar. And Jacki would not get anxious and lose happiness if the event was something on his schedule.

Jerrell’s family had never owned a house and moved often. Jacki was in the same house from the time she was born to the time she got married to Jerrell. So buying a house was another area where they needed to find balance. It was more comfortable and less stressful for Jerrell to make a short-term rent payment rather than a higher house payment with utilities and taxes. Jacki was more of a long term planner and saw the benefits and stability of buying a home. It was time to level. They accomplished this by Jacki allowing Jerrell the time he needed to let go of unwarranted stress. Then after two years they agreed to buy a house, since it was best for their whole family; by this time they had one child and another one on the way.

Jacki’s life had been pretty consistent, without many abrupt changes, including friendships. Jerrell’s life was all about change and he was OK with that, but it made Jacki feel a bit insecure or uncertain of what would happen next.  From past experience they remembered that if each one moved a bit closer to the center it would be easier to even things out. So Jerrell agreed to make decisions in all areas with  stability and long-term consequences in mind. This included major purchases, which they now discuss beforehand. And Jacki trusts change a bit more and is more willing to step outside of her comfort zone. This includes willingness to cultivate new friendships.

Like many couples, agreeing on a place to worship together is an area of compromise. This one was difficult. Both had attended one place of worship their whole life. To level this out they got to the point where they were willing to find a totally new place of worship. As they considered the issue further, Jacki believed it would affect her less, so she decided she would go to the place of worship where Jerrell went and they now go as a family. When there was a special occasion they would attend her place of worship.

Jerrell & Jacki realized the key to compromise, equalizing, and balancing their needs was  a willingness to move closer to the other.

The next tool is the power cord.